toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
