Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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