So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
