Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
