but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
