see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
