I wish they made helmets for livers.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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