You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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