after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
