Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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