i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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