we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
