This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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