my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
