I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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