thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
