Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
