Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize
