Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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