Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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