Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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