Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
