Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
