I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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