He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
