Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You're like the curious george of whores
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
