i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
