M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
