i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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