Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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