why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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