From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Randomize
