my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
