Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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