I'm really into asian looking animals
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
