I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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