I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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