What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
