I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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