Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
