I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
