i just wanna soil my oats bro
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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