Don't make out with my wife yet
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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