saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
