Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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