Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
