Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
