I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
