This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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