He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
