If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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