Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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